Merry Christmas to everyone in the Southwestern Oklahoma State University human resources department!

Sorry, I momentarily forgot about your brave new "x" policy with regard to the current holiday season and the fact that those first six letters must be replaced with x’s or covered over. Won't happen again.

It's funny how so many individuals have allowed something silly like the actual wording of our Constitution to lead them to believe that they actually have the right of unabridged free speech or the freedom to exercise their religious beliefs without prohibition.  I blame the constructionist malcontents.  Thank goodness there are so few of them -- only half the country. You needn't worry about them.  They probably adhere to such antiquated notions as bedtime prayers and saying grace before meals.  Rubes.

Then again, I am most definitely in favor of protecting any minority -- that is what this country is all about (as a sidebar:  it is what much of Christianity -- I'm sorry xxxxxxianity-- is all about).  But this need never be done at the expense of the rights of others.

I wonder, since "hate" speech is defined and prosecuted on the basis of intent, can they take your attack on the wording of this sacred holiday as an intended hate crime?  Don't worry, they probably wouldn't prosecute.  After all, it is the xxxxxxmas Season.

What's that?  It's not an attack on religion?  Oh, okay then.  So this is strictly a non-religious issue, relegating the holiday (lower-case "h" so as not to offend your delicate sensibilities) to secular status?  You are probably totally justified then.  But that does beg the question as to your dubious motives at covering over six letters of the word (complete disclosure-- the most important six letters, for my money...).  Aren't you slightly concerned about so arbitrarily messing with the American lexicon?  Because if you are not attacking a particular religion, it has to be that, for no other reason than sheer whimsy, you have decided certain letters, or at least, their various combinations must be eliminated.

This leads to an entirely new set of problems.  I mean, imagine if your standards were applied to the following banner:

Christmas Day

By your reasoning it would need to read:

xxxxxxmas Day

I take that back.  Upon further reflection, that "y" looks dangerously close to a cross.  So, to be safe, you would no doubt want that removed as well.  Let's see that leaves us with:

mas da

This is potentially dangerous on two fronts:

1) In Spanish this roughly translates to "more gives".  I am afraid that the illiterate portion of your Hispanic community (legal or not) is bound to believe that you are offering handouts.  Think of the lines!  Someone could get hurt.

2) Speaking of getting hurt, what if the black community sounded out your new politically correct banner?  They might see this as a throwback to the plantation days of yore.  Granted, some might phonetically convince themselves that a foreign car dealership has taken up residency, but I believe most would be looking for the pot of gold at the end of the Rainbow Coalition.

I hope this has helped.  I'd hate for folks to think you were just some hyper-sensitive, spineless bureaucrats enforcing a politically correct agenda in order to avoid potentially offending someONE.  Worse yet, what if they thought you were some elitist with a secular agenda who looks condescendingly on people of faith?

However, you must know best as you have "Human Resources" attached to your non x'd out names.  I assume your names are not x'd out as billions throughout history probably have not looked to you for spiritual guidance or risked life and limb for you.  Phew!  You really dodged that bullet.  Now at least you can still find your office with minimal difficulty.

If only the same could be said for your heads.  Let me see if I can help there.  First, stand up.  Now yank three times really hard.  Trust me the view is so much better outside your own anatomy.

Merry Christmas.

Bob Atchisson
St. Louis, MO

p.s.

The courage you have shown in this matter is very inspirational, and I would very much like to apply for a job in your department.  Please forward an application.

I am even willing to legally change my potentially offensive middle name to "xxxxxxopher" if you think that might increase my chances.  Thanks.